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‘Worried’ mom picks up on warning signs
(by Dr. William Van Ost - July 02, 2008)
Dear Readers:
Nearly a decade ago, I received the following letter from a "worried" mom:
"My oldest son is 13 years old. He used to be a happy-go-lucky kid who had a load of friends who used to come over to our house; five or six of them were regulars.
"Late last summer, I realized that I wasn’t seeing his old friends anymore. He said he was ‘bored’ with them.
"He started hanging around downtown with a new bunch who he doesn’t bring home so I can meet them. Now he often stays out past curfew, and then lies to me about where he has been.
"During the past few months, he started skipping classes, and his grades have dropped. He dresses like a slob. When I try to face up to him, he explodes.
"Maybe this is just adolescent behavior, but the papers say that more kids are using drugs. I ‘m afraid he might be one of them."
I replied:
"If you think there is a drug problem, you must rule it out.
"You have already picked up a few warning signs. Warning signs taken separately, may mean little, but added together they can amount to a lot.
"At the Van Ost Institute we have a saying that goes, ‘If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.’
"What you should look for is not a single warning sign, but a cluster of them; not a single act but a developing pattern of behavior; not a single episode but a series of them.
"Your parental instinct, plus some of the following signs which we at the Institute have derived from clinical experience with drug-abusing kids may help you put two and two together and, perhaps, convince you of the need for immediate action.
"Your son is probably a ‘duck!’
n "A change in friends. It’s perfectly natural for youngsters to be defensive about their friends when parental criticism is voiced.
"Kids will respond in support of their new friends if it’s even suggested that they are using drugs.
"Part of adolescence is pulling away from the family to some degree, but if kids start using drugs, the pulling away becomes a vehicle to allow them to maintain their drug use.
"They create their own ‘family’ of drug-using friends to the exclusion of others.
n "A change in the youngster him/herself. Has your son turned irritable, unpredictable, unloving, sullen, oversensitive, easily provoked, uncooperative, hostile, secretive, foul mouthed, or more than just a little moody?
"One thing all kids do, if they start using drugs, is distance themselves from their family.
"There is no such thing as a drug-abusing kid who is also maintaining a close, loving caring relationship with the family.
n "A change in the way the child looks and feels. Has a relatively neat kid become sloppy most of the time? Has your son developed rock-star clothing styles that make him look as if he could be a druggie?
"Has he developed unusual sleeping and eating patterns? Has there been any weight loss or gain?
"Have you noticed any of the following: bloodshot eyes, sniffles, stuffy nose, frequent sore throats, acting depressed, paranoia, lingering colds and coughs, nervousness/tremors, memory lapses or bizarre behavior?
n "A change in school attitude. Has your son’s school grades become erratic? Is he skipping classes? Has he lost interest in extracurricular activities as well as academics? Has he been disrespectful of his teachers?
n "Missing money or personal belongings. Money spent on drugs dissipates within seconds. An adult cocaine habit can take megabucks to support, but where do our kids get the bucks to spend on lesser glows?
"Could your son be living beyond the means you give him or he earns? Are you missing money, appliances, jewelry?
From the little she had already told me, I urged her to seek a diagnostic workup by a trained addiction professional immediately.
Then I added, "If there’s no problem, fine; no harm done. But if there is, you may have rescued your son from falling victim to the ‘hell’ of addiction."
William C. Van Ost, M.D., is a co-founder of the not-for-profit Van Ost Institute addiction treatment center at 150 E. Palisade Ave., Englewood. Dr. Bill welcomes questions from readers about addiction and effects on the family. Address questions c/o Twin-Boro News, 210 Knickerbocker Road, Cresskill NJ 07626 or e-mail twinboro@northjersey.com.
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